State’s political players make their resolutions

I recently came into a list of New Year’s resolutions from some of the top political players in New York. I really can’t tell you how I acquired these or vouch for their authenticity. I know it’s a little late, but I thought you’d want to see them.

From Hiram Monserrate, a.k.a. the not guilty “Accidental Slasher:” “I resolve to never, ever hold a bottle or glass near my girlfriend and ‘accidentally’ run into her. In the event that I ‘accidentally’ slash her, I will call 911 while she is bleeding and have her taken to the nearest hospital. I vow to marry the woman so she doesn’t change her story again. If my colleagues in the Senate try to save their own skins, I resolve to out them all with stories of their own misbehavior. If they throw me out of the Senate, I vow to write a tell-all book about them and make millions of dollars. I will name names and write tales of debauchery that will keep the New York Post busy for months. The stories will make Tiger blush.”

From former Senate President Malcolm Smith: “I resolve to get even with my New York state Senate colleagues for taking away my top leadership role. I vow to get every last penny I can from my legislative salary, perks, lulus and the like. I will make things even worse than I already have by intervening in places where I have no business because powerful people with a lot of money gave me sweet campaign contributions. I promise to get even with all those people who have suggested in and out of print that I blew a golden opportunity to keep the Democrats in power through the 2011 legislative redistricting.”

From Attorney General Andrew Cuomo: “I resolve to keep my mouth shut and not blow it. Things are working for me now and if I get down in the gutter like I used to when I was the old Andrew, I’ll mess up my chances. I vow to become governor.”

From Governor David Paterson: “I resolve to run for governor, no matter what. I vow to keep attacking the Legislature. It’s a sure fire way to raise my ratings and the truth is, these clowns really deserve to get hit hard. I will also follow the play book by taking a very conservative stance on taxes and on keeping the state budget low. The people will love it. What’s more, I think the time has come to take on Speaker Shelly Silver who just put a knife in my back by supporting Andrew Cuomo. I vow to insist on a revamped ethics law that will make state legislators disclose where they got every penny of outside income and that includes lawyers like Shelly.”

From former Governor Eliot Spitzer: “I resolve to rise from the ashes. The truth is that I am smarter than any of these other clowns and sooner or later, the people of New York will give me another chance to prove it. The worse things get, the better the chances are that they will need what I can deliver. History has shown it. I will make a great Comptroller.”

From former Mayor Rudy Giuliani: “I resolve to never, ever again say that I might run for a political office. The people are getting tired it and the disgraced Bernie Kerik has ruined my chances.

From former Governor George Pataki: “I resolve to be President of the United States.”

From United States Senator Chuck Schumer: “I resolve to stop anyone from running against my ‘second vote,’ Kirsten Gillibrand. I’ll make sure that Barack Obama personally carries that mail for me. He needs my help in the Senate. He has to do what I tell him to.”

From United States Senator Kirsten Gillibrand: “I resolve to do whatever Chuck Schumer tells me to do.”

From Former New York City Mayor Ed Koch: “I resolve to stop braying like a mule.”

From Erie County Executive Chris Collins: “I resolve to never again make an anti-Semitic remark. I will remember that people don’t like it when I do that. They never, ever forget it. Just ask Jesse Jackson.”

Originally Published in the Legislative Gazette, 1/4/10

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