New Year’s resolutions for our leaders

If I were these people I would make the following resolutions:

Governor Andrew Cuomo: I resolve to clean up the Democratic conference in the State Senate by backing good, progressive and honest Democratic candidates rather than collaborating with the Republicans. I vow to remember that in 2016 I will be running for President of the United States and some Democrats will have a long memory and accuse me of being a bad Democrat. I will keep my distance from Rupert Murdoch — people are beginning to talk. Speaking of talking, before my run for President, I really have to get some coaching about my regional dialect.

Democratic Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver: I resolve to keep on keeping on. Even while under the worst kind of fire, I have kept my progressive principles and supported the things that brought me to the Legislature in the first place; helping people with education, health care and the environment. Speaking of the environment, I resolve to put a stop to the hydrofracking nonsense. Finally, I have to give way on the redistricting mess. It really isn’t right for me to draw lines that maximize my chances to control the Assembly, and I know it. After all, there are so many Democrats in the state that we can’t lose. The Republicans, on the other hand, really do have something to worry about.

Republican Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos: I resolve to play it fair. People are getting very tired of my flip flopping around on things like a fair reapportionment plan. I realize that it is probably the only way I can preserve my majority but do I really want to be known forever as “The Man Who Perverted Democracy?” There’s also a cynical notion going around that I’d buy off some dissident Democrats in order to stay in power. Pretty soon, voters will have a really bad taste in their mouths. On the one hand, I keep telling people that this is coalition government at its best and on the other, I make sure that the Democrats in the Senate are not allowed to participate in the process.

New York State Democratic Minority Leader John Sampson: I resolve to stand tall and share power with people of all persuasions in my conference and not to hog power for a select few of my colleagues. I will throw out any clown in my Senate Democratic conference who even sounds corrupt. I resolve never, ever to be pushed around by thugs like Pedro Espada, Hiram Monserrate or Carl Kruger. I realize now that once the stink gets on you, it can never be washed off.

Senator Chuck Schumer: I resolve never, ever to give the appearance that I would use my clout to get my brother-in-law a federal judgeship.

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand: I resolve to raise more money in a shorter time than anyone else in the Senate. Hey, if that’s the way this game is played than that’s what I have to do. I didn’t write the rules. I resolve not to give the suckers back undue influence for what I have raised.

Hillary Clinton: I resolve to be the most admired woman in the United States, again.

Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr.: No matter what it takes, I resolve to keep the world’s best newspaper, the New York Times, afloat.

Barack Obama: I will read Jean Edward Smith’s superb biography, FDR. I will study every page carefully. I will emulate FDR’s love of the game and his guts. I will defend our Social Security program to the end, ditto Medicare. I will take my message to the people. I will recapture the spirit of the last campaign and this time, I will do what I promised.

The Occupy movement: We will stick with our agenda and bring the message about financial and political corruption to the people. It will be our mission to tell people what they ought to know about our banks and financial institutions.

Originally published in the Legislative Gazette, 1/3/12

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